How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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