I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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