There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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