After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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