U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Randomize
