if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
