This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
