I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
