i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
