i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
