Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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