She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
