My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
