i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
