John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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