But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
