God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
