the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
