but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
