I accidentally burped into my bong.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
