I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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