just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
