a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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