I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
