I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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