why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just forgot I was standing up.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
