i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
two words...techno handjob
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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