Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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