My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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