ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
