apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
This toilet bowl is my home.
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