i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you traded sex for a burrito?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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