i just made my gag reflex go away.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
