if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
