Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
