He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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