party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
