Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
