C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
