mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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