Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
