They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Even my vagina gasped.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
