after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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