You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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