You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
