Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
