Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
