yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
