The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
