There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
