hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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