I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
