So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
